Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
