so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
