Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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