if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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