I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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