He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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