dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
