Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i think i just lost a toe
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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