My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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