She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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