Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
