There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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