Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
