i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize