So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
