I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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