my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize