its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
