I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We have started to decorate penises.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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