Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
