I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
