Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
