Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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