im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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