Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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