She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
