if i can run in heels then i can drive
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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