then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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