It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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