It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
