I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
