she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
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Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
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He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?