I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm