Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.