i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's blow job season.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
