ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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