remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
