Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
