ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
