There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
