this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
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you made out with another girl for some wings
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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