I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
