It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize