woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
God, I missed his penis.
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