i jhust puked up my retainher.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
