You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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