his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
