Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
