My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
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He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Someone came in the potted fern
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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