A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
