He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
