that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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