Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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