you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
