I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
