Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
